I’m so pumped! My first horror movie review since November! Since skipping those terrible 666 asylum flicks, I’ve watched and taken notes on two, count ’em two really bad, really fun B horror films. I’m proud to say, I’m back with a vengeance! So sit back, relax, and enjoy my review of 976-EVIL 2!

976-EVIL is a 1988 horror movie directed by none other than Freddie Kruger himself, Robert Englund. And while this interests me quite a bit, this film is not currently streaming on Netflix. The sequel, however is and although it is not a Kruger directed film, it IS the next movie on my list. I was not disappointed. Don’t get me wrong…it’s bad. Really bad. But it’s the kind of bad 90’s horror flick I live for and I fully enjoyed every corny scene!

The film opens with a hot blond chick gloriously diving into an indoor swimming pool. As she swims laps and ominous 80’s horror music plays (think Hellraiser and The People Under the Stairs) the telephone starts to ring. Why is there a phone on the wall of an indoor, public swimming pool, you ask? I don’t fucking know, I answer.

Right away we get some boob action prepping us to expect some racy, nudey scenes throughout the flick. We are sorely disappointed in this department, however. Figure I would warn you now…Either way, within seconds of this movie’s start, the naked blond is calling out to no one in particular because the lights in the dingy public bathroom where she’s showering are flickering and she apparently thinks someone is messing with her…Because that makes more sense than faulty wiring since this place looks like it hasn’t been maintenanced since the sixties.

She throws a shirt on without drying off at all. Who does this?! And is surprised by a creepy as fuck looking man in what looks like a cape. She proceeds to run around screaming in her underwear. She finds herself on a stage with a set complete with fog machine and pyrotechnics that are probably operated by no one considering it’s clearly night and no one is around. She’s finally cornered by Creepy guy and he mutters something ominous before tearing down a piece of set built to look like a stalactite…or mite? Is anyone really sure? And she is impaled leaving her all bloody and dead in her knickers. He then welcomes her to his hell…nice of him. A janitor watches all of this go down.

All that before the opening credits which involve watching a man on a motorcycle drive down various stretches of road and not much else. Biker dude dismounts at a titty bar in what seems like the middle of nowhere. He catches a news report on the tele about the impaled chick and apparently this is the work of a serial killer. He seems upset by the news but quickly is distracted by the trashy blond dancer.

Then…THE PHONE RINGS!!! He listens to it ring then asks the bartender if anyone is gonna get the phone and she replies, “What phone?” Um, the fucking phone on the wall that’s ringing you brainless vagina! He obviously feels the same way as I do because he gets up and answers it hearing what seems like a recording offering his horoscope if he presses “666” Nice. He doesn’t have to though because the phone dials it for him. He tells the horoscope reader where to shove it and hops back on his hog. What a renegade!

Cut to some police officers taking the dean of a community college into custody as the prime suspect for the serial murders occurring in town. They’re your typical dumb ass cops.

Blond walks into a police station. What does she say? OW! HAHAHAHAHHA! Ok, ok but seriously, folks, I’ll be here all week. She enters the station looking for her father who in an officer there. She waits with a magazine in which she finds a card for a horoscope hot-line. She’s told her father is ready to see her and upon approaching the elevator runs smack dab into The Dean. (This is how I will refer to him for the remainder of the review, as his name is not memorable.) He grabs her hands and she is propelled into a flashback type vision of the girl from the beginning being killed. She comes to in her fathers office where she learns that the dean of her school, with whom she worked closely, is almost definitely the “Slate River Killer.” Why do so many rivers have killers? I am never going to live in “something river.”

The cops give the dean a phone to make his one customary phone call. He calls the horoscope number and immediately pushes 666. He begs the voice on the other line for answers. Saying he wasn’t supposed to be caught and that he did nothing but obey the voice and the voice is being a no-good meany of a master. The voice assures him he will be given the power he desires or something like that.

We watch a scene at a diner in which the two main character meet. Robin, the blond co-ed and “Spike” the biker dude from the beginning credits. They chat for a short time and it’s boring.

Now we’re back with the dean in his cell. He’s hearing weirdo voices and convulsing. Now he’s astral projecting. He is now Ghost dean! Who can walk through the bars of a jail cell and disappear in a flash of stupid 90’s special effects.

Ghost Dean is now stalking Robin who has wondered away from her friends at night because that’s always smart! But don’t worry, Spike isn’t far away. He tells her about the horoscope number explaining that once you call, the line gives people answers to their questions and solutions to their problems but after a while it starts to possess you and take you over and he experienced it and got away although he neglects to touch on how. I’m assuming this may have been the premise for the first film. She reacts with nervous disbelief but says it scares her.

The only witness in the dean’s case is now in protective custody and after placing an order for some chicken and wine with a cop who’s just leaving, it’s pretty obvious he’s not going to get it. He sees Ghost Dean in the mirror and freaks out running to the bathroom. Then his toilet explodes…I’m not kidding. He runs outside to find the cop all dead and gross right outside the door and a silly comical chase ensues with the ghost dean (who’s face is falling off pretty bad now) jumping out of every wall with some stupid pun and ends with the witness getting completely annihilated by a semi. Cool.

The dean then goes to visit Robin who is sleeping in the stupidest little girl room ever. He uncovers her and touches her hand which immediately glows blue. He whispers her name and stares at her longingly until he hears a voice in his mind telling him to wake up. It’s a cop with his real body and he has to leave and re-enter it after blowing Robin a sad kiss goodbye. What a creepy fuck.

The DA is a sexy red head with 90s fringe, and a long braid tied with the most ridiculously huge black scrunchy I’ve ever seen! And I was a kid in the 90s.

Oh, and now Spike’s breaking into a house! What a classy hero. It’s the dean’s house. There are automatic rifles and mounted heads all over the walls. Animal heads, don’t get excited. The phone rings and it’s horoscope dude. Spike tells him off then finds the house completely shutting him in and then going all batshit crazy. The appliances are trying to KILL HIM! The guns are floating off the wall and shooting at him on their own accord. Some really armature special effects are used here. Now the mounted heads are talking to him! In funny voices! I’m so happy!!!! He goes all Rambo on the house and then it opens up and all seems well.

We’re now watching the redheaded DA in her car answer her car phone and it’s the dean messing with her. He apparently fancies himself a comedian. The car takes off on it’s own ramming into everything in sight. It hits Robin who is driving in front of her. Quite a coincidence. The woman passes her and Robin sees her in her car screaming for help. Robin tries to keep up but the DA’s car smashes into some kind of power plant thing and explodes. Poor redheaded bimbo. Oh look, The dean is here. His face is literally melting off. He has one bad case of the herp. He confesses his lust for Robin saying he’s always known that they were meant to be together forever. She asks what he’s going to do and he replies, “I’m going to take care of it.” I have absolutely no idea what that means. He slinks away.

Some other stuff happens but for me, everything that has happened so far in this film has lead up to this moment. The only real reason I would ever recommend this movie…here we go…

Robin and another chick are watching a zombie movie. They fight over the remote and Robin wants to watch the very end of It’s a Wonderful Life which is on TV even though there is no indication that its near Christmas. Robin leaves to make popcorn. Then the dean is on the TV. He’s a silly little fuck. He puts Robin’s friend In It’s a Wonderful Life…fucking brilliant.

She stands in the Bailey’s crowded home and watches Harry Bailey toast to his big brother George, the richest man in town. How did they pay for the rights to use this film? Then Zuzu comes out with this little gem: “Look Daddy, every time you hear a bell, a zombie takes us all to hell.” And George Bailey agrees whole-heartedly. The whole It’s a Wonderful Life gang turn into zombies and Zuzu repeatedly stabs Robin’s friend until she dies to death. I’m not making this up! Watch the video above!

Nothing after this really matters but Spike and Robin eventually kill the Dean and Robin is arrested for his murder…yeah, that seems fair.

So this film was totally silly and completely contrived but you can’t beat a tiny little Zuzu Bailey stabbing the shit out of some girl stuck in a television set, can you? Nope, didn’t think so. The movie’s entire feel reminded me a lot of Hellraiser, one of my favorite horror flicks of all time. This probably had a lot to do with the fact that Hellraiser only came out a few years before this movie so I’m assuming they borrowed a bit from it. It wasn’t nearly as awesome a film but it had it’s charms. I would recommend it for a cheese 80’s night. It’s a lot more silly than scary. Honestly the scariest part was how high Robins 90’s jeans were.

Yay! That was fun! Stay tuned for my review of LITERALLY THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE…1313: Cougar Cult. You’re gonna want to read this one!